Episode 21: Can you burn too much hay?

What if the Burned Haystack Method works...and you're still left wondering where all the needles are?

After finishing Burn the Haystack and diving back into online dating, Lara expected to have a clearer strategy. Instead, she found herself asking much bigger questions about modern dating, self-worth, independence, and what it means to be a woman in midlife.

In this episode, Lara reflects on her real-world experience applying Dr. Jennie Young's Burned Haystack Method, why it helped her trust her intuition, and how it forced her to confront some uncomfortable truths about dating apps, companionship, and the stories many women were raised to believe.

This isn't just a conversation about dating. It's about being part of a generation caught between two competing messages: be independent, but also find your happily-ever-after.

Topics discussed:

• Why the Burned Haystack Method feels so empowering
• Intuition vs. overthinking: what if "the cringe" is actually data?
• Lara's Bumble experiment and the "unicorn" that wasn't
• Can you burn too much hay?
• Are the people we're looking for even on dating apps?
• The illusion of control in modern dating
• Why online dating can quietly become a mirror for self-worth
• Princess culture, independence, and the women caught in the middle
• Wanting partnership without wanting dependence
• The difference between being rescued and being supported
• What midlife women really mean when they say they want a "competent" partner
• Raising daughters who don't have to choose between strength and softness
• Why true equality may mean having the freedom to want whatever life you choose

Whether you're single, partnered, divorced, dating, or simply trying to make sense of modern relationships, this episode is a thoughtful exploration of love, identity, and the messy reality of midlife.

Books Mentioned:
Burn the Haystack Dating Method by Dr. Jennie Young

Connect with Lara:
Follow along and join the conversation on Instagram: @midlifemesspod

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to the Midlife Mess podcast. My name is Laura Thompson. I am a single, divorced, working mom. I'm 42 years old, and I just bought a house with my seven-year-old parents. Welcome to my midlife mess. Hello and welcome to the midlife mess. I'm coming to you today from my car because I think the car will actually make a good studio. What do you do when you're single mom and you gotta get shit done? You know, you you have to be flexible. You have to move when move and groove with it. So that's what we're doing today. Hope this works out. So this is gonna be another episode about the burn the haystack book that I read, and it's what I did the previous episode about. So if you haven't listened to that episode, then this one may not make as much sense. So go back and listen to that because I'm gonna be talking about like hay and needles, and that may be a little confusing. So, as you guys heard in the last episode, I finished the book Burn the Haystack by Dr. Jenny Young, and I did a dating profile on Bumble again because this book is all about uh a dating strategy. I did pay for the premium service. It's like apparently I enjoy conducting social experiments on myself. So I've been sitting with that and that process for a few weeks now. What I realized is that I have a lot more questions than answers. And and I mean, y'all, I burnt some hay. I burned so much that I got sad, which just made me start thinking. And the more I thought about all of this, the more I realized I wasn't wrestling with dating apps, I was wrestling with being a woman in 2026. I think a lot of us are, and so I think this episode, whether you're single or not, is going to be very worthwhile, and that you'll get something from this. So um, I did love the book, and gosh, I want to thank Dr. Jenny Young because I genuinely think there are some maybe revolutionary is a little extreme, but the way that she just so like unapologetically applies the study of language and rhetoric to how you interpret what someone is saying to you in early stages of getting to know someone is just so eye-opening because I think as women, we've always been trying to do this and we're told to do this, like, listen to your gut, but you can rationalize away your gut feelings, right? Like, I've always been someone that that just knows, you know, but that does not mean I've always listened to that voice. If anything, in the past I've heard my inner voice and thought, well, everyone has doubts, right? Everyone gets nervous sometimes. No one is perfect. You know, there are plenty of outside voices ready to tell an intuitive woman that, you know, you're reading too much into it, you're overthinking, you're too sensitive. And burn the haystack method says maybe you're not. Maybe your intuition isn't some magical sixth sense. Maybe it's pattern recognition. Maybe the thing that's making you uncomfortable is actually information. Maybe the cringe is data. That was an incredible, that was incredibly freeing. I love that. I think every woman who dates should read the book. And really anyone who has been in an experience where you found yourself having to decode everything someone says to you could benefit from learning about the hidden meaning behind very commonplace words or phrases that when you put these things together with any suspect activity and that gut feeling really help you trust yourself. So it's it's like Dr. Young is not telling you what to do, she's telling you what to listen to, and that if you are having any kind of bad vibes, then this stuff applies because your body knows there's a reason you're having bad vibes, and that's what this book explains. And I mean, the hardest part when you're in situations where you feel like something's not quite right, but you're not sure is is the doubt is not knowing for sure yourself. So this just gives you, and I I think that's hard for people that are really sensey like me, because we just want to see the best in everyone. And and I think just when you are like a sensitive, empathetic person, it is hard for you to imagine how someone would be deceptive, like just in a natural state, because that's not your natural state. So, of course, you don't understand that, and of course, you think the world that everyone is like you, because that's the only point of reference we have. So having a scientific and rational way of looking at this is such a helpful tool for honestly the most susceptible people to those that would seek to deceive. Okay, who's the most susceptible to that? The ones that will that want to believe the best in everyone. So if that is you, and I don't care what situation you're in. And there are at the end of the book, she gives a few examples of women that wrote in and told her about how they had applied it to different relationships in their life. With there's a really kind of hard story about a woman that used it to applied it to the relationship with her father, and just it helped her separate the emotion from that relationship. And unfortunately, you know, sometimes that's more healthy for you than staying in it and rationalizing the way someone talks to you. I just really encourage anyone to read this and apply it to any relationship in your life. So, okay. After burning a lot of hay, I found myself with no clear needles. I think I told you guys on the last episode that that I like talked to this guy for a little bit. So I'll tell you guys a little bit more about that. I, you guys, I thought I had found a unicorn because, and that's your that's your number one mistake, right? Is when it seems too good to be true. This guy was physically my type as far as being like uh very masculine presenting, like beard, muscles, tattoos, give me all of that. But he was also well educated and well-spoken and like thoughtful in his responses, and so we started talking about our individual experiences. He had one child, which you guys know, like that's my ideal situation. One young child, too, and he was a little bit older than me. And hey, guess what? He was not a million miles away, he was in South Carolina, he wasn't in Charleston, but he was in South Carolina, so you know it's like we can work with this. So we started talking, and you know, as you're like figuring out a person's history, y'all. This man started going off about his son's mother, and how that men should have custody of their children more than they do, and how it's not fair, and that uh not all women are good mothers and good nurturers, but that's what everyone assumes. And I just at one point I just said, because of course, you know, he said that she lied to him, that she couldn't get pregnant, and then they got married, and then she did, you know, miraculously get pregnant, and so he felt like that she used him anyway. Anyway, obviously, he was very bitter about this and never asked me what my experience was, never asked, and I I never I honestly like probably kind of let him just like go off a little bit to just see like, dude, how far are you gonna go with this? How how much are you going to tell about your personal history to a stranger on the internet? You know, like that this book has helped me put these conversations in the right frame of reference, you know. Like, I know this guy's supposed first name and his supposed age, and like three pictures of him, allegedly, and you're gonna like go off about your child's mother to a stranger on the internet, and it's not like we had talked for like days. So before I had this critical discourse analysis frame of reference that Bern Haystack gave me, I probably and here's the thing: I would have been like, ew, I would have had the ick feeling, I would have been like this is cringe, but I wouldn't have exactly known why. And now I can see it so much more clearly. And so I just kind of let him go off, and um at one point I just said, I'm sorry that happened to you. Then the conversation kind of died off, and then I don't know, like I think the next day I just blocked him because that just that conversation did not need to go any further. We one of Dr. Young's rules is we don't fight with men on the internet, and we're not here to educate random men on the internet, and so and I did I've done a lot of that before. We're like in that situation, I would have explained to him why that was unsavory, and like I would have tried to be his therapist for a minute. This has taught me to guard my energy more than I was, so and you know, I learned a lot about myself through just that one little situation, too, because I get you guys, I spiral out so quickly about potential. And I don't know how I don't think there is a way for me to tamp that down or turn that switch off. And I wish there was, and honestly, I mean this, you know, learning learning the critical discourse analysis has probably helped that some, but and it did, it probably helped me like recover from it faster. But my little like spidey hopeful senses when they get alerted, they just run wild. Like I before he started going off on his bitter tirade about his ex-wife, I had already like envisioned maybe not like our entire lives together, but just way too far for this random person on the internet. I feel like I'm like a recovering optimist. Can I start a support group for that? Optimus anonymous. Let me know if you guys would like to be in my optimist anonymous uh support group. So, so yeah, no needles. No needles were found in my social experiment. I was just really left with some really gnarly pieces of hay. And I s I started asking a different question. I started asking, can you burn too much hay? Because I mean, the method is very good at helping us eliminate bad dudes or bad fits, but eliminating bad fits is not exactly finding good fits, those are not exactly the same thing, and that got me thinking, and uh, this has just really been like stuck in my head. And it's something that's occurred to me before, but again, this method of looking at things more rationally has helped, I think, this ponderance come to the surface. What if my needle isn't even in this haystack? You could analyze different online dating platforms or see them all as one, but uh that still doesn't include all available potential partners. And I guess that's the that's the problem that has been like coming up in my head as uh for the past six years almost is that the entire conversation in and around modern dating assumes that online dating is where everyone is. And obviously that's not true, but it sure can feel that way. So the problem got me asking all kinds of different questions that we're gonna go, we're gonna go down all kinds of little roads today. So, because I don't hear anybody really talking about all these little nuances, so we're just gonna air it out. Here's the thing what percentage of available men are actually participating in an online dating platform? And how do we get this number? I mean, I don't really think there is a way to get this number, right? Can you guys just start polling your guy friends? Like, I just I need to know are normal dudes doing online dating? Can we just have some sort of database and and like algorithm match people? That would actually be really hella efficient. Surely with like AI now, if we just all okay, okay, I hear you guys. I hear what I hear myself. That's very like mark of the beast, right? Like all of our info were all like coded and we're all in a database, and then the computer is just all right, all right, I get it. I see why that can't work. But it would be easier in some ways, I'm just saying. Okay, so there's no real way for us to get like a real number of how many participants do we actually have. What about the difference between different platforms? Different platforms probably attract different styles of people, and I'm not just talking about like foot fetish sites or any particular kink sites, which like god, I apparently there's a lot of different types of those. But like, say like J Date. Do you guys know what that is? It's like for Jew, supposed to be like Jewish singles only, guys. I tried a military dating platform once, and cause that's the kind of I because I thought this, you know, like where where is the type of man that I want? And I really value people that have like been in service to others, okay. So like military law enforcement, that did not go really well, and you know, obviously we're here. So it it strangely was like a lot of sugar daddies, and I don't I don't know anyway. Okay, we're we don't even need to go down that road right now. So, and then obviously I've tried a few of the normal apps, like the common ones that you hear about, and bumble has been my favorite, you could say. It's not, but it's not like I like it. One because you can filter based on astrological sign on Bumble, and of course I do that, like duh. And y'all know that Aries is my no-go zone. If you don't know anything about that, go back and listen to the astrology episode and listen to episode two where I tell you guys about my exes. So the second reason is because women have to message first on Bumble before the guy is able to, which Bumble has added a little twist to that lately. And I see you, Bumble. That's that's a little sus. But here's the thing that I'm gonna talk about as far as different platforms today. Bumble has gotten way more expensive than it used to be. And I mean, everything has gotten more expensive than it used to be, but when it comes to paying for a dating service or paying extra for a part of it, I've I've heard two different arguments. You could say that paying infers a certain amount of effort, intention, seriousness, but I do think it's kind of a mental hurdle. If I pay for a dating app, then there's a certain extra amount of desperate. And I'm not saying that's true, just that I think some people may think that, especially men. Y'all, it was just a couple years ago that I was with a friend at a work event. Both of us happened to be single at the time, and this male coworker who I think always kind of had a crush on this, on my coworker friend, asked my friend if she was dating anyone. And somehow online dating was brought up, and he kind of laughed and said, Well, I mean, you don't have to do that. Online dating is only for people that can't meet someone in person or like desperate. And I mean, that's not such a far stretch, like we all used to think that, right? And I mean, thank you, COVID. I've said this before. Thank you, COVID, for online dating becoming a lot more normalized. But I mean, maybe it's not as much as we think. People still hesitate to say, like, oh, we met on Hinge or whatever. And I know plenty of people that have met on online dating platforms, but no one really loves to say that still. So the other side of that is, or the other side of paying is something like Facebook dating. Most people already have a Facebook account, and there's no additional charge or premium bullshit for Facebook dating. So, yes, the barrier to entry is lower, but also the fear or stigma is too, I think. It's kind of a more passive style, like set up the profile and look at it every once in a while, but only really interact if you see someone you're really interested in. I mean, you know how many, how many Facebook notificate notifications do you guys get every day, right? And so it kind of like just gets lost in all of those. Like, whereas with the paid sites, I think it feels more like, okay, I'm paying for this shit, so I'm gonna get my money's worth. Burn this haystack down, right? So that's that's a couple of different ways that we can analyze the online stuff, but I think people still meet in the wild, like at work, through friends, through kids' activities, just out living life. So when I started thinking, like, what haystack is my needle in? What kind of man I actually want? Do I picture him sitting around obsessing over his dating profile? Ew, no. I don't picture him trying to figure out which prompt gets the most matches. I picture a guy who's busy living, who's working, who's being a good dad, building something, reading a book at night, planning a trip, doing actual life instead of on his phone. And I mean, maybe he's made a dating profile at some point, but I certainly don't think and wouldn't want him to be highly invested in it. So why am I ouch? Right? Do I think the man I want wants his partner to be all up on the dating apps? Probably not. Which is frustrating, right? I think one of the reasons that dating apps are so appealing to women is because they make us feel like we're doing something. I know that when I first started dating again, I kind of felt like, okay, this one piece of my happy little puzzle bugged out. So I just need to replace that piece. So, you know, I could sit on my couch and tell myself I'm actively working toward finding a partner on the apps. I'm being proactive, I'm putting myself out there, I'm moving my life forward, and you know, and that feels good. Especially when you're just trying to replace that one piece and move on, keep it moving. And especially when you want companionship, and especially when you're afraid time is passing, right? And that's women exclusively hold that fear, but then is that actually control? Or does the app have the control? Because I certainly did not feel in control after burning all this hay. I felt at the mercy of the app. And I mean, the apps are very, very good at keeping us engaged. They use the same dopamine-inducing traps that all the social and the gaming platforms use. It's not good business for any of these online dating platforms to actually be matching people up. And this is another reason why, I mean, one of Dr. Young's rules is no notifications. Because if you're not careful, you can really start confusing activity with progress. And I think that's what I was actually doing for a long time, especially when I first started. I was just grasping for something that would let me feel some sense of control when my life felt out of control. I certainly did not have the burn the haystack rules back then. But also, I think my my dating pool was deeper then. Y'all, I was 37 when I started this midlife dating thing. And so let's just think about that. My age range that I would have looked for back then was probably like 35 to 45-ish. Well, not at 42. That dating pool seems like it's a little more shallow. And I don't mean shallow like as in vain. I mean shallow as in not as deep. I'd say my age range that I look for now is like 38 to 48. But the real factor is what are men my age that I'm looking for? What are those men looking for? I am willing to bet that at 37 I fell into way more men's searches than at 42. Let's just bring this traumatizing thought up. Who am I being compared to in that range? I'd venture to guess that most men don't look for women older than them. But I bet they look way younger than their own age. Especially compared to women who might look a couple years younger than their own age, but I'd say most women are looking farther older than they are looking farther younger. So I'm going up against 35-year-olds, maybe 30-year-olds? I mean, I feel like I look pretty good for 42, but and I mean, fuck any grown man that is looking younger than 30. I that's I don't want that dude anyway. This brings up another big question as far as filtering goes. How severe should your filter be? Dr. Young doesn't have a lot of rules around this because I mean, so much of it is personal preference or comfortability. But it's obviously a big factor in how big your haystack is. So let's start with age, since that's what we were already talking about. You can tell that my age range is basically five years plus or minus my age. But obviously, if a man that is 35 and has all his shit together wants to date me, I'd be open to that. Maybe he's more mature than most. And also, if a slightly older man was still energetic, then I'd be open to that. Y'all, I have a rule about someone more than a couple years older than me. If they look the same age as my dad, then it's a no. My my parents are 71, but my dad and my mom look great for their age. My dad still has plenty of non-gray hair. So, like, you have to look like you're in my generation, not my parents' generation. The next thing I'm gonna talk about is a touchy subject for men. That's right. Height. As I've said in previous dating episodes, I'm 5'8. So again, my pool is more restricted than any girlies shorter than me. I usually set my height range starting at 5'11. And then, I mean, there's no like upper limit for that, I guess. I mean, I feel like a lot of people have questioned why that is so important to me. And it's just the height thing is part of just how I want to feel when I'm with someone. I want to feel protected, like my man is bigger than me, capable, and and honestly, kind of the most important the most important factor is if he can pick me up and not feel like he's dying. I've been with men who can't pick me up, or that it's like really a struggle, and then I end up just feeling self-conscious. So that's what I'm filtering for. But it's like if a man is 5'10 or maybe 5'9, that's getting close. Definitely can't wear heels. But if they're strong and can pick me up without feeling like they're gonna pull a hammy, and obviously, if they check all the other boxes, then of course I would be open to that person. Okay, another favorite is astrological sign. I actually used to filter more severely for this than I do now, since I've learned more about astrology and the different signs, other than just your sun sign, because that's obviously the only sign that you're filtering for in a bumble type setting. But yeah, obviously Aries is blocked. So, and plenty of Aries try to like me, y'all. I there's just something about it. Oh my god, kids. How was I about to forget to talk about that? Um, because you can filter for that, which the whole problem of only if they report it, but again, if someone's not being honest, you don't want them in your haystack anyway. So, my ideal scenario would be a man that does have one or two young kids, kids that my daughter could grow up with. I mean, that was my original vision for her, having someone to grow up with. And I hate to say this because it's not like I and again, if a man had, okay, I was gonna, I'm gonna say that if a man has any more than two kids, then that again is not an automatic no, but I am at that point looking at like everything else would have to be stellar. And I'm sorry, but you would have to be financially stable enough to support your bunch of kids and me and mine. And honestly, it's like I just don't want, I just don't want Caroline to be third, fourth, fifth in line for that person's like affection. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I don't want that sounds overwhelming for me and for her. And then there's the thing that what if a man does not have kids at all? Again, to me, that's not ideal. So many men online say it like it's a good thing. And they usually include it with like, no drama, never been married, no kids. And it's like, fuck off, dude. That means you just that just means that you have never experienced something in your life to actually put you in your place, because nothing will humble you like a child will. So, like if they have never had kids, then they better be the best damn uncle on the planet. Because if they don't have any understanding of the parent lifestyle, then you're not gonna understand my life. You're not gonna be able to just step into my life. It's like I don't want to filter those people out, but then it just takes you longer because you have to really like look through the pictures, read through the things. That's not a quick filter with all those things. I guess my thought since I started trying to practice practice this method was to be pretty strict in my filtering, like really drilled down to my ideal. But then I've noticed lately, and maybe it's because I have just been filtering a little more, but a lot of the likes I'm getting are from men that I would never date. Again, I hope that you guys are here because you know that I'll say the things that people are thinking but are afraid to say because I know that kind of sounds bad, and it's not about looks and it's not about money. But you guys know it's not just that it's kind of like a mirror, right? Like when you're looking to date someone, you want to look in that mirror and look back and see someone that you are like comparable to. It's not just that I was insulted by some gross dude thinking he could get with me, but honestly, what I started noticing was my ego. Because you start thinking, like, wait, is this where I rank? Is this who the market thinks I belong with? And then what are you doing then? I wasn't evaluating these men anymore, I was evaluating myself, and that is very dangerous, right? Because suddenly my self-worth was being determined by strangers with fish photos and misspelled bios. And that's insane. But I think a lot of us do it, not consciously, but we do. We start to tell ourselves the story that our value is somehow determined by who swipes right. So I realized I was in that place, and I guess I just kind of started working backwards on this problem since I felt like I couldn't work my way forward. If I'm single and I don't want to be, but I can't really do anything to will a partner into my life, then I asked myself, why does being single feel like something is missing? Why is that the ultimate bar for success? Well, that's a whole other thing, right? And I think that women in midlife right now are carrying a very specific burden in this arena. I mean, we were raised on princess culture, on the idea that someday our prince would come and everything would be perfectly amazing and beautiful, and songbirds, and butterflies, and rainbows. I mean, you guys are getting the imagery of like a Disney movie, right? Right? Even even in like any of the sitcoms and rom-coms that we watched, it was like the happy ending was always getting married. That was that was the ultimate adult goal. Then culture started changing. I mean, it's funny, I said, you know, thinking about a Disney movie. Have you guys watched the older Disney movies? Like the ones that they haven't remade. It's wild, the messaging that these things put out. I've, you know, and I I look back at those, and my daughter's starting to get a little bit out of the like princess stuff. But a couple years ago, when we were in the thick of it, I'm looking at, you know, we're looking at the Disney app and like all the things we could watch. And I'm thinking to myself, like, oh, we're gonna watch some classics, and that'd be like good for her to see these like classic Disney films. And y'all, we started watching Peter Pan, like the one that was made in the 50s, and that's the one that that's the one that I watched when I was little. There's like a bunch of different versions now, but again, that's the one I was watching in the 80s. Y'all, this movie starts with the dad being annoyed as hell with the kids. Then like the mom comes in and she's, you know, in her pearls and her and her like they're they're like supposed to be going out, and so she's like all dressed and all ready, and he's like halfway ready, you know, and he's like asking her where all his stuff is, and he's yelling at the kids, and he's like yelling at her because the kids are going wild. So I mean, that's a whole problem, right? Tinkerbell shows up, and I was like, all right, this is rough, but like hopefully this part's gonna be over soon. So then Tinkerbell shows up and I get excited, right? And then she like goes over and she has to like hide. She, oh, she like finds a mirror in the room and she's looking at herself in the mirror, and she like she like looks, she puts her hands on her hips and she's like looking and admiring her little tiny waist, and then she like puts her hands down farther, and her, you know, and her hands like get farther apart, and then like she moves them down even farther and they get farther apart, and then she's like, Oh, she has this like look of disgust on her face at her big ass. What the fuck? Then she gets she has to like hide in this drawer, and then she's trying to like get out of the keyhole in the drawer, and y'all, her big booty gets stuck in the keyhole, and it's like a whole thing. I am not kidding you. This is what we were served, you know, and that's not even about like getting married, but just that's just the clearest example that I could think of where like these like subliminal, subliminal messages were soaked into us when we were little. So, okay, I'm glad. I'm glad that we were like young enough when that shift happened that we, you know, by the time we were what like teenagers, it was like be independent, get the degree, build the career, buy the house, never depend on a man. That's what my mom used to tell me when I was a teenager. Make sure you never have to depend on a man. But I mean, that original programming was is still in there. And and it wasn't a polar shift all of a sudden. There was definitely still some, oh yeah, girls, go to college, but you know, you'll probably meet your husband there. Like, have y'all ever heard somebody say they went to college to get their MRS degree? Yeah. Think about that for a second. They're not talking about a master's of something. So it's like we were the bridge generation. Somehow we were expected to absorb both of these messages. And it's so clear, like, our mothers and definitely our grandmothers had to tolerate things that we don't have to tolerate just because they had fewer choices. They literally couldn't like buy something on their own. But our daughters are growing up watching women own homes, run businesses, get divorced, and survive, raise children on their own. So to them, female independence isn't revolutionary, it's normal. And that's amazing. I'm genuinely so happy for my daughter that she'll have less, just less of the pressure to attain that ultimate goal of partnership. Yes, I want her to have that, but I think hopefully she'll just more naturally feel whole, whether that happens or not. So it's like we're the generation that got both stories. And I mean, that's really hard. Like, if I'm honest, a lot of me still wants the fairy tale. I mean, who could blame any woman if their dream man showed up and just happened to be financially able to support the family without the woman working? No woman would be would blame her. They they would probably be jealous, but they wouldn't blame her. And it's like I don't want someone to rescue me because I can't survive. Clearly, I can survive. I've done it, I'm doing it. But I would love for someone competent to walk into my life and make it easier. And I mean, it's I think I don't ever say that out loud. Like I want someone to save me or rescue me, or I I don't I don't say that out loud, but damn if I don't think it. But I think that I think that competency is what I really mean, though. I one time in my 20s, I had my entire purse stolen. So I had no cash, no cards, no driver's license. I think my parents like wired me some money, which it was like, how the fuck do you even wire money? Like, when has anyone ever had to do that? And but other than that, I was at the mercy of my ex. We were like dating at the time, and that did not feel good. I did not like that feeling of having no like source of money for my own, and just like the decision to go out was not mine. No, thank you. So, yeah, it's like I don't want to be fully dependent on someone, but someone capable, reliable, someone whose presence makes life easier instead of harder. I I mean that's what we all want. I think because of a lot of the like independent woman messaging, we're ashamed to admit that. We're supposed to say we don't need anyone. We're supposed to be above it or something. I mean, did you guys hear about the article? I think it was in like British Vogue or something, that saying a few months ago that it wasn't cool to have a boyfriend anymore. I mean, that's not the answer. I think the answer is honesty. It's just like I always think that like the true sign of intelligence is when you can hold two different thoughts at one time. Like I can support myself and I would still love to have a partner. I can pay my own bills most of the time. And I would still love someone who brings stability into my life. And yeah, it's like I can handle things, but I'm tired of handling everything. Those things don't have to be contradictions, they're human. How do men feel about that? Because I do think that midlife men have their own version of this like mixed message. Women have evolved dramatically in the last few few decades. We we had to. Most men were raised by fathers who taught, you know, one model of masculinity while now the culture that they're in uh expects something different. And some men have adapted beautifully, but some haven't. Some are still trying to figure it out. And I think that's why we have a big backlash of bro culture right now. Is I women today want, they don't we don't want traditional masculinity gross. We want evolved masculinity, strength and emotional intelligence, leadership without control, protection without domination. And that's always what it's been in the best case scenarios. It's just that now the bar is a lot higher. And that's a pretty sophisticated thing to ask for. That brings me back to the dating pool. The hard truth is that all of us in midlife are in the dating pool because plan A didn't work. Mine didn't, theirs didn't. I mean, whether whether you've gotten married at this point or haven't, nobody imagined being on bumble at 42. Like that wasn't anyone's goal. The question to ask these people is not why their relationship failed, but what happened next? Did you learn? Did you grow? And that's honestly like that was the big cringe that I was getting from the guy that I stupidly thought was a unicorn. He's stuck. He hasn't done anything about the toxicity that he brings to a relationship. Is I mean, no one's gonna be perfect, but are they working on it? And did they did they just have some sense of participation in the problem? And that's hard. I that was not easy for me to admit. Where does this leave us? I've been talking for almost an hour, and I think it's good to talk these things out. I don't want to leave you guys with like just go live your life. Because that's not that's not easy. I mean, none of it's gonna be easy, but I think hopefully just talking this out will, if you are consciously or subconsciously making finding a partner your ultimate goal in life, hopefully just talking about this lets you like let go of that a little bit. And because I just know that I mean my daughter's eight now. I don't like these are the years, right? Like these are these are the best years. Yeah, some of it is hard. And when she looks back, more importantly, when she looks back, I don't want her to see me as someone sitting on the sidelines of life waiting for my quarterback to come along and put me in the game. That was a great metaphor, guys. That was great. Yeah, I want her to look back, think about the memories that she and I made. We still need to be doing life. Do the apps if that benefits you, you know. Don't do it if it's soul crushing. And do be very picky. Read Burn the Haystack. Please read Burn the Haystack if you're dating. It's so helpful. But you know, like just think about really where your needle is. Is he on bumble? Uh like I kind of hope not, to be honest. So should I be on bumble? Probably not. Probably the end of that social experiment. I think talking all this out, I'm telling you guys here, this is the ultimate accountability, right? I am just going to try to show up in my life more. Just get out of the house. Go to the clubhouse on the weekends, go to all the school things. I already go to all the school things, but just be in places where you could bump into someone. And please, for the love of God, if you're not single right now, good for you. I hope you're so happy and fulfilled. Think about your single friends because it is so hard to meet people out in the wild nowadays. Because I think men are like afraid to offend anyone. And like a lot of that they should be afraid, but it makes it harder for them to just like say hi to a woman. If you are not single, play matchmaker for your friends. Yeah, they might say, like, oh, I don't know, or I don't want to do a blind date, but I would. It's better than bumble. Be open to that, I guess. And the last thing I want to leave you guys with is thinking, you know, when when I'm thinking about like how do I want my daughter to look back and see her eighth year of life, I think that maybe the gift that we can give to our daughters is to show them not to teach them independence because the world is teaching them that, but to teach them that you don't have to be one thing. You don't have to choose between strength and softness, you don't have to choose between independence and partnership. Nothing in life is that black and white, so don't make model that for them. Be all the things, it's not weakness. If anything, I think that that's what our daughters will feel true equality with. Hopefully, one day by the time that they're grow up and are working and looking for a partner, is that I hope the equality that they feel is just that they're not being raised to get married, they're being raised to figure out what they love to do, and that's true equality. Because that's how men have always been raised. So I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode. It really took me a while to really put all my thoughts together and to get this out there into the world. So I hope that you guys found it helpful. If you did, please share it with someone. I'll talk to you guys next time. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Midlife Mess. If something in this episode resonated with you, please share with your family and friends and subscribe. You won't miss new episodes every Wednesday. Please also go to my website,midlifemass.com, where you can connect with me and find out more about how you can support the show and get some cool discounts. And of course, you can follow along on Facebook and Instagram at the midlife mess pod. And please rate and review the show on your streaming platform of choice. Thank you guys so much. Now go be your best mess. Bye.