Episode 17: Burner Phone, Who Dis? Why Is This Dude's Fantasy, My Problem?

This week on The Midlife Mess, Lara shares a deeply personal story about receiving anonymous text messages from burner phone numbers — and the bigger truth it revealed about shame, secrecy, power, and what it means to exist as a woman in the world.

What starts as an uncomfortable experience becomes a larger conversation about unwanted attention, body confidence in midlife, the emotional labor women carry, and why attraction is not the problem — entitlement is.

Lara talks about the power dynamic behind anonymity, the misplaced shame women so often end up carrying, and why good men have a responsibility not just to behave well themselves, but to hold other men accountable.

This episode is for women who have ever been made to feel uncomfortable for simply existing — and for men who want to better understand the female experience and help create a safer world.

In this episode:

• Anonymous texts, secrecy, and power
• Midlife body confidence and unwanted attention
• Why women carry shame that isn’t theirs
• The mental load women carry around safety
• Why attraction does not equal access
• What men can do better

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

And welcome to the Midlife Mass podcast. My name is Laura Thompson. I am a single, divorced, working mom. I'm 42 years old, and I just bought a house with my seven-year-old parents. Welcome to my midlife mess. Hello. Happy Wednesday as this is being released. And welcome back to the Midlife Mess. Today's episode is about something that happened to me recently. At first it just seemed weird and uh you'll see uncomfortable. But the more I thought about it and what to do about it, the more I realized there's just a lot more to talk about here. And it really fits the themes that I have been talking about on this podcast of men, women, power, shame, and just existing as a woman in this world. And really one of my main reasons of doing this podcast is to be so very real so that and to say something that somewhere a man who hasn't had an insight, an empathy into what it is to be a woman in the world today now has that. This episode is, I'm gonna tell you about what happened, but it's not really about just what happened to me or one situation. It's about a bigger dynamic that I think a lot of women will understand immediately. I think every woman, there's there's no woman that has not experienced some version of this. I just, yeah, I don't obviously, and I don't, I don't think that a lot of men really realize like what how their actions impact. Speaking of men, I am gonna have to warn my brother about this before he listens to it. If y'all listen to episode, he was with me on episode 14 and 15, but especially on episode 15, where my brother talked about how protective he is of women, I'm definitely going to give him the courtesy of telling him about this and telling my parents. My mom listens to all the episodes, giving them a heads up. So, okay, here's what happened. So twice now I have received anonymous text messages from burner phone numbers. No, it's not the it's not a not a wrong number text. That's what I thought at first. It's not spam. I get those. It is very clear in these messages that it's someone who has been around me. I wouldn't say that knows me, but that has been around me. And my phone number is not hard to find. I get that part of it. I do use my actual real cell phone number for my real estate phone number, contact phone number. So it's really not hard to find my cell phone number. It's the same one that I've had ever since I moved to South Carolina 11 years ago. And I really should have used like a Google number or something for my business, but I just didn't do it. And right now it would take a lot of change on a lot of marketing stuff to change that. So I have not done that. For anyone that doesn't know what I mean when I say burner phone, and actually I wanted to let you guys know too that thankfully, through the South Carolina State Realtors Association, I have an app where you can very quickly search public records. So, and it's just a safety mechanism because as a real estate agent, sometimes we are, you know, people can contact us completely out of the blue and are asking us to go into, you know, a vacant house with them. So it's a safety measure that the South Carolina State Realtors Association provides us, thankfully. Thank you very much. And of course, I, you know, only ever use this app for real estate purposes. So just letting you know what an app like this does, it's just a very easy way. It's all public records, but it's just a very easy and quick way to check public records. So you can just put a phone number in there. And the only two types of phone numbers that will not come up, I think even a Google phone number will come up because there's still a person paying for that, are Starlink phone numbers, and those are private phone numbers. That is a private satellite system that most first responders use. Like if you government officials and first responders use that system. So those will not come up because those are not public phone numbers and burner phones. So those are the ones that you can just like buy at Walmart wherever burner phones are sold. And I have a particular sensitivity to a burner phone being involved in use with me because my ex had one of those, and that is how he he used that as a form of contact for not with me. So that's a little triggering. Just anytime someone wants to communicate with me via a burner phone's not okay. Okay. So the first set of messages was a while ago, like at least about a year ago, and they were pretty vague. The messages said that they this person said they were attracted to me, and that they knew that I didn't know who this was that was reaching out to them, and they did not want to tell me who they were because they didn't want quote drama, unquote. The person contacting me on a burner phone doesn't want drama. Got it. So that I just I really kind of had two suspects, just based on what was going on in my life at the time, you know, people that I had come in contact with, and I felt like I kind of like put a squash on it. But then just a couple of weeks ago, I got another message. And with either suspect, again, I again there were the same two suspects that came to mind. With the second set of messages, it was a different but still burner phone number. Both of these suspects are people that I have a completely platonic relationship with. Both suspects, I know their wife, our kids know each other, I've been in social situations with them. I have absolutely never flirted with either of these people. I feel very strongly about that. Cheating is something that I am personally deeply offended by. As you guys know, if you've listened to previous episodes, I was cheated on. Like, full on affair, gaslighting. Like, I think in a previous episode at some point, I told you guys where the term gaslighting comes from. And two, it gets used a lot now on social media and such, but if you have, if someone has strategically and repeatedly lied to your face and have been good at it so much that you question your reality, that's gaslighting. And I unfortunately know very much how that feels. I would never put another woman in that situation, especially one that is married with young kids. That is such a helpless and desperate place to be, and I unfortunately know exactly how that feels. And I'll just say the suspect from now on because I do think I know which one of those two that it is now. But I, you know, I can't be a hundred percent sure. So I received these messages both times. It was shortly after I had been around this person where I was wearing a swimsuit. Just existing. You know, I am in Charleston, South Carolina a couple weeks ago, about a month ago, it was like 85 degrees on a weekend day. We were at the beach, and I'm just there in a completely normal one-piece swimsuit, which I would just like to say like meanwhile, there's all these other people running around with their ass completely out. It's wild how how normal it is that you know, like just one stage before you would consider something a thong. That's wild to me how normal that has become. What bothered me the most about this whole situation was not even the messages themselves, it was how it made me feel. She does the show True Sunlight, and I love her and the message that she sends. It's she her show is about true crime, but it's the same thing that secrets and shame and all number of nefarious things happen in the dark. And the more sunlight you can put on it, just the less shame it can hold. So there's nothing more that I would like than to just completely air these out. But and that's that's part, that's one of the biggest parts that pisses me off, is because I would be the one that felt ashamed, not the person that sent them. I didn't do anything wrong, but the messages made me feel gross, they made me feel uncomfortable. Y'all, sorry that you can hear my dog barking. He just loves to shout out anyone that walks by the front of the house. So we're gonna just hope that he dies down. Okay. The problem is the messages made me feel gross, they made me feel uncomfortable. Not the person that sent them. And I mean, they I mean, they made me feel ashamed. That really bothered me because I kept thinking, why do I feel ashamed? I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't send pictures, I didn't flirt, I didn't encourage anything. I literally existed at the beach in a normal swimsuit. Did I say it was a one-piece swimsuit? A normal one-piece swimsuit. And yet somehow I was the one sitting there feeling uncomfortable and isolated, and like I was carrying a secret that I didn't ask to carry. So, you know, what do I do about that? Well, I have a podcast. So I may not have a huge audience yet, but I think that any woman that listens to this understands this feeling, and that talking about it's not a bad thing. Any woman understands that where some occasion where a man behaves badly, and somehow you end up managing the situation quietly, usually, so that nobody gets hurt. And that's the nice thing about midlife, right? We're at the point in life where I don't think we should have to do that anymore. And thank God we're at the point in society where talking about it is not as taboo as it used to be. I don't think women should have to shrink themselves, cover themselves, leave early from the party, laugh things off, ignore things, or change their behavior so men don't have to change theirs. I think it's time that men start managing men's behavior and women stop carrying the discomfort for everyone. So yeah, I I want to read the messages, but I mean the truth is I don't want to read them. Not because I did anything embarrassing, not because I said anything embarrassing, but because the things that were said to me are embarrassing to hear. And somehow I would be the one sitting here feeling uncomfortable reading them out loud. And that's the problem. I didn't say anything wrong. I didn't encourage this, I didn't start it, I didn't participate in it. And yet I'm the one who would feel embarrassed, repeating words that someone else said to me. And that's shame. That's how shame works. It gets transferred to the person who didn't do anything wrong. You know, especially with the second set of messages, I'll tell you, I tried to act completely unaffected by the words that were being sent to me because I tried to keep my responses very neutral, very short, very unbothered, because I knew that my reaction was probably part of what this person wanted: attention, reaction, secrecy, power. What I noticed was that the more unaffected I acted, the more graphic and more aggressive the messages became. And that's that's when I realized this wasn't about attraction. This was about control and secrecy and fantasy. And there's a power dynamic in that. Because this person that sent me this message gets to hide. They get to say whatever they want. They risk nothing. They keep their marriage, their reputation, their life. And I'm the one sitting there feeling uncomfortable, holding a secret, trying to decide how to respond, whether to tell someone, whether to ignore it, whether to confront it. So the person creating the situation carries no risk. And the person who did nothing wrong is the one carrying the emotional weight of it. That's a power imbalance. There's another layer to this that really makes me mad, and I'm really determined to not let this ultimately affect how I show up in the world. I have worked really hard to feel comfortable in my body. As I've said in previous episodes, that my weight has been a lifetime struggle and therefore also my comfort with my weight and how I look. And I've lost some weight in the past like year or so. And so I've started to really feel a lot more confident in my own skin. And that's a beautiful thing that I think particularly happens in midlife. I think for a lot of people, it's the first time in our lives that where we actually start to feel comfortable in our own skin in a lot of different ways. You stop caring as much what people think, you figure out what works for you. Maybe, you know, you've had some perspective shifts where you're getting healthier, maybe lose some weight, you're feeling stronger, feeling more confident. And I finally got to a place where I could just exist in a swimsuit and not feel horribly self-conscious. And then this situation made me feel like I was somehow doing something wrong just by existing in my body. And I hate that. That pisses me off. I am allowed to exist in my body without it becoming someone else's secret fantasy. Just because a woman feels confident in her body does not mean she is asking for attention. And even if someone is attracted to her, that still does not give anyone the right to enter her life, her phone, her space, or her peace. Confidence is not consent. Now, I mean, I'm not naive. I understand that people notice each other. I understand that men are often very visual and women experience attraction differently. I actually have a really funny, very eye-opening experience that happened to me in my 20s when I was living in DC. One night, a couple of friends and I, a couple of coworker girlfriends and I ended up at a gay strip club with our male gay coworker friend. And and then, you know, this was the place that he went all the time. When we walked in, I mean, there were just swinging dicks everywhere, y'all. It was wild. And I noticed right away, every single one of us women immediately covered our eyes and we're like, oh my gosh. Except our gay friend. Oh, he was just standing there, like, yep, this is great. And that was, you know, I mean, that was a very funny and clearly impressionable, very telling moment for me because I realized that night men are visual. Gay, straight, whatever, visual. Let me just tell you a little side note, ladies, a gay strip club or a gay dance club, I prefer the gay dance club, is the safest and most fun place for a woman to be because they mostly all are cute and can dance and can dress and are hot and like just want to dance with you and have fun, and but they'll still like buy you drinks and get you home safely. Go do that if you ever have the chance. See, attraction is not the problem. Behavior is the problem. You're allowed to notice someone, you're allowed to find someone attractive. You're I mean, hell, you're allowed to have thoughts. But attraction does not equal entitlement. Desire does not equal access. Just because you want someone does not mean you get to enter their life, their phone, their world, or their peace. Like, just keep your gross thoughts to yourself. Like most men do. This whole situation really made me think about how differently women move through the world compared to men. Most women think about safety constantly. We think about where we park, we look in the backseat of our car, we notice Who's walking behind us? We don't post our location until we leave somewhere. We have to watch our drinks. We text our friends when we get home. We, I mean, hell, I have friends that have like taken a picture of a man's driver's license and texted it to their friend when you know, just like when they're going on a first date. How exhausting does that sound, guys? We are constantly evaluating situations and managing other people's behavior quietly, though, so we don't make things awkward or dramatic or uncomfortable. I mean, I I think a lot of men just don't realize how much mental energy women spend just trying to exist safely and peacefully in the world. Women are taught from a very young age to manage situations quietly. Don't embarrass him, don't cause drama, don't overreact, don't, you know, don't act crazy, don't make things awkward, be polite. We are constantly adjusting ourselves so other people don't have to adjust their behavior. And I mean, especially in this situation, I'm fucking done. And trust me, there's a big part of me that wants to catch this person to prove it and send the screenshots to his wife. There's a big part of me that wants to expose this and make sure it never happens again to anyone else. Because if he's doing this to me, he's probably doing this to other people. But then I realized something else that made me even more frustrated. Now it's on me to fix the situation that I didn't create. Now it's on me to investigate, confront, expose, manage, stop someone else's behavior. And I mean, that's part of the problem too. Women end up managing situations that men create. Women end up carrying the secrets. Women end up being the ones that have to decide whether a family blows up or not. And I didn't I didn't create, I did not do anything to ask to be involved in this. Why should I feel like I should do something with it? So this is me doing something with it. I have this platform, so I'm gonna use it to talk about this and hopefully make people think and maybe make the world a little better for women and maybe make if if just one man thinks differently about this type of behavior, then that's great. It's worth it for me to for me to say this stuff. And I mean, I don't I don't think that you guys would be surprised to hear me say this, but I'm not a prude. The things that were said to me would not necessarily be offensive or gross if they were coming from someone I was in a relationship with, someone I was dating, or someone that I yeah, wanted to hear these things from. That's a midlife dating lesson for you, too. I learned that a while ago. Don't engage with your words with someone that you either haven't met in person yet or have not done the things that you're speaking of in text. Because if you're willing to say it in text, it probably won't ever happen in person. And I mean, ladies, if that's if you're fine with that, then great, do it. I don't want to pin pal. I mean, words are powerful. I'm someone that takes people at their word. Words without a relationship, though, are just fantasy and projection. And like I said, I guarantee you that every woman listening to this podcast has experienced some version of this in her life. Maybe not anonymous text messages, but some sort of unsolicited message, an inappropriate comment, a look that just made you uncomfortable. You know, you know when someone's looking at you like that. Someone saying something to you that just made you feel suddenly you were part of a situation that you didn't ask to be part of. Every woman has experienced the feeling of a man putting something on her that she didn't ask for attention, expectation, fantasy, responsibility, discomfort, something that suddenly becomes her problem to manage. Another part of this that obviously really bothered me was that this person has a daughter. And I just kept thinking, how do men not make that connection? How do you have a daughter and not think about how you would want other men to treat her? Because I promise you this no father would want his daughter receiving anonymous sexual messages from much less from a married man who knows her family. No father would want his daughter feeling uncomfortable at the beach because someone she knows was secretly sexualizing her. No father would want his daughter feeling ashamed for something she didn't do. So I don't understand how some men can say they love their daughters, would protect their daughters, worry about their daughters, and then turn around and behave in a way that would make the world worse for someone else's daughter. We are all someone's daughter, and we are all just trying to exist in the world without being turned into someone else's secret. I think if more men behave the way they would want men to behave around their daughters, the world would be a very different place for women. I think the biggest realization I've had through this whole situation is I ended up feeling shame for something that was never mine to carry in the first place. I am not responsible for other people's marriages. I am not responsible for other people's fantasies. I am not responsible for other people's behavior. I am responsible for my behavior. And my behavior has been respectful and appropriate. I mean, they say, you know, control what you can control, right? I am not going to shrink myself, cover myself, or feel ashamed for existing in my own life and in my own body because someone else doesn't know how to behave. I mean, I can't imagine. Like I've said that I, you know, just later in life have but have come into like being more comfortable with my body and my sexuality, honestly. And I know, I don't know, like some women may listen to this and go, like, God, you're being so sensitive, and like this is no big deal. Hasn't this happened? This kind of thing like happened to you before. And yes, it's happened before in other ways. It leaves me kind of just feeling like, God, what's it like to be hot all your life? Like, wow, some women have had to deal with this a lot more than I have, but I hate that. I hate that for them. And that's not the world that I want my daughter to grow up in. And yes, I think there is a point where, you know, we say that, you know, a woman should be able to wear absolutely whatever she wants and not be solicited by men. And I think there is a place, there is a line, and I think that that line is different for different people about, you know, what you wear being like too much or too little, too little or whatever. I think that's different for different people. The truth is, a woman should be able to wear whatever they want and not be looked at in any sort of different way by women or men. But I don't, I'm not so utopian to think that that we'll ever entirely get there. But we need to get closer. You you're allowed to exist in the world, in your body and in your life without feeling responsible for other people's thoughts or behavior. And what I want men to take away from this episode is that the world feels different for women than it does for you. And you have more power than you think in making the world feel safe or unsafe for the women around you. And the really good men, the ones women trust, the ones women feel safe around, are not just the men who behave well themselves. They are the men who hold other men accountable. The last thing that I'll say about this, I didn't ask to be part of this situation, but I get to decide what to do with it. And so what I'm gonna do with it is talk about it because silence is where this kind of behavior lives and survives and thrives. Anonymous attention is not flattering. If you want access to someone, you should be brave enough to be known. Mystery can be attractive, but being a coward is not. You know, my only hesitation in putting this out as a podcast episode is that if that person hears this and feels emboldened and proud of themselves somehow. So I hope that I've conveyed that that's really fucked up. And so I'm gonna leave you guys with that very strong statement. Just letting you guys know that I'm good. This has been very cathartic for me. And, you know, share this with share this with your daughters. They need to hear that we are not going to let this type of behavior thrive in the dark anymore. And yeah, I don't know. Maybe this will just start a conversation in your life with your friends, and you'll start talking and you'll realize that you've all been through something, been through something similar. And just talking about it will just air it out a little bit. It'll bring you guys together, you'll become stronger for each other, you'll look out for each other more. Tell the men in your lives, I'm certainly going to have to have a conversation with my brother. You know, in episode 15, he said that he feels like men and women are equal, that we won. And, you know, I hate to give him this example, but it's not exactly equal. Women carry a huge burden because of being a woman. So that's never gonna be equal. So send this message to your brother, send this message to your son. Our sons in this world need to hear what real male confidence looks like. They need they need a visual. They're visual, guys. They need to know that true male confidence looks like saying to your meathead friend, dude, not cool. Don't say that to her, don't look at her that way, don't send someone a message unless you're gonna put your face with it. Cause that's not confidence. That's being a coward. All right. I love you all. I hope this helped. It's messy. This midlife is messy, but we're making the best of it. So thank you so much for listening. God knows what will happen to me between now and the next week when I can put an episode out. So here we go. I will say, sorry if if anyone has tried to go to my website. I don't have it live yet, but I am working on it, trying to do that. So coming to you soon. Bye guys. Talk to you next week. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Midlife Mest. If something in this episode resonated with you, please share with your family and friends and subscribe so you won't miss new episodes every Wednesday. Please also go to my website, themidlifemass.com, where you can connect with me and find out more about how you can support the show and this local discount. And of course, you can follow along on Facebook and Instagram at the midlifemest column. And please rate and review the show on your streaming platform at Twitter. Thank you guys so much.